bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
