Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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