Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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