It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
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And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
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Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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