"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
