So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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