You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
