apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
