I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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