Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
