Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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