Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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