Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
