I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
