we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
