he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
