i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
