Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize