Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
