just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
