so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
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I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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