You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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