I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
