Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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