I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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