Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
