How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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