Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
