Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
