im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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