My sheets look like a crime scene.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
