I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
