Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
