Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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