John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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