I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.