I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.