apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder