Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.