3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.