I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
