I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
