Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
