It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
