I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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