Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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