I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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