We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
