i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
