You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
