Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
