fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
