Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
