On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
