Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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