i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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