Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
