Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
FUCK WHALES
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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