Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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