He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
