You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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