fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
