wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
