My Higher Power is John Stamos
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
